Tired of the same old talking heads using the same old cliches?
Phone Conversation between Pete Carroll and Arthur Blank
January 10, 2008
Yesterday, it was reported that Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank had a phone conversation with University of Southern California head football coach discussing the Falcons coaching vacancy.
Southern California coach Pete Carroll is interested in the Falcons' head coach opening and spoke with Atlanta owner Arthur Blank via phone Wednesday, sources at the American Football Coaches Convention in Anaheim told ESPN's Joe Schad.
I would imagine this phone conversation to be a rather interesting one. Here is how I see it going down.
Scene: USC Head Coach Pete Carroll is sitting poolside at a resort in Hawaii “on vacation”. While lying on a lounge chair, pina colada sitting on the table next to him, he is interrupted by the polyphonic cellular phone version of “Funkytown”.
Pete Carroll: Hello
Arthur Blank: Hello, Pete? It is Arthur Blank
PC: Arthur, how are doing these days?
AB: Well, my team finished 3-13, my franchise quarterback is sitting in a cell at Fort Leavenworth, and I need a coach because my coach quit 13 games into the season. So I need a head coach.
PC: Uh huh
AB: Are you considering coming back to the pros?
PC: No, not really because I coach a pro team on the college level. It is much easier to win that way.
AB: Well, I’m gauging your interest in the head coaching job.
PC: [uncontrollable laughter] What? Oh wait, you are serious. I’m sorry. So what you are asking me is if I would be willing to come and coach a 3 and 13 team in the NFL when I coach the perennial number one team in college. Okay, I’ll play along.
AB: I am willing to offer you the general manager job as well.
PC: Well, that may be difficult for me because they are much pickier about doing people special favors, and the whole salary cap thing would be a problem. I mean, how do you expect to get people to come play for you if you are limited in what you can pay them? Seriously, my fourth string running back is making more than your kicker right now. Also, I don’t think players will be more intrigued by threesomes with complete strangers, pretty much on demand.
AB: Well, Pete I am willing to make you one of the top ten paid coaches in the league.
PC: That’s interesting, except I make three and a half million a year and I don’t know if you have realized, but I am not a very good NFL coach. Remember that good Patriots team that went to the Super Bowl with the coach before me and won three with the guy after me, with pretty much the same team. Also, don’t you not want to pull the trigger on a college coach after you got burned last time?
AB: So, are you interested or not?
PC: Sure I am. Just give me a second. [chugs the pina colada] Okay, but I need a few things
AB: Sure, whatever you want coach.
PC: I need to keep a tan, so a tanning bed is a must. Also, I need really good coaches and players if this is going to work, which you don’t have right now. So fire everybody for me.
AB: Pete, I don’t think I can do tha…
PC: I’m sorry that’s a deal breaker
AB: But, Coach…
KJ can be contacted at firstname.lastname@example.org
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